[Milton-L] Just for fun, since it's Friday

richard strier rastrier at uchicago.edu
Sat Jan 15 14:36:08 EST 2011

This is wonderful.  Laughed out loud!  Wherd oes it come from?  Whoever wrote 
it is a genius.

---- Original message ----
>Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2011 13:12:33 -0500
>From: milton-l-bounces at lists.richmond.edu (on behalf of "Carol Barton" 
<cbartonphd1 at verizon.net>)
>Subject: [Milton-L] Just for fun, since it's Friday  
>To: "Milton-L" <milton-l at richmond.edu>
>   With all the biblical talk on Milton-L this past
>   week, I thought you might appreciate a different
>   perspective on the sacred texts: if not, please just
>   delete.
>  Judas Asparagus
>   A child was asked to write a book report on the
>   entire Bible.
>   This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my
>   eyes.
>   I wonder how often we take for granted that children
>   understand
>   what we are teaching ???
>   Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in
>   a Nutshell.....
>   In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
>   there was nothing but God,
>   darkness, and some gas.
>   The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
>   think He must be a lot older than that.
>   Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone
>   did.
>   Then God made the world.
>   He split the Adam and made Eve.
>   Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
>   embarrassed because
>   mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
>   Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
>   so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....
>   Not sure what they were driven in though, because
>   they didn't have cars.
>   Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
>   as
>   long as he was Abel.
>   Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except
>   for Methuselah,
>   who lived to be like a million or something.
>   One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
>   good guy,
>   but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
>   Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
>   animals on it.
>   He asked some other people to join him, but they
>   said they would
>   have to take a rain check.
>   After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
>   Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau,
>   because Esau
>   sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
>   roast.
>   Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
>   sports coat.
>   Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
>   name was Charlton Heston.
>   Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away
>   from the evil Pharaoh
>   after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
>   These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
>   and no cable.
>   God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
>   Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
>   These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
>   covet your neighbor's stuff.
>   Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
>   Humor thy father and thy mother.
>   One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the
>   first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the
>   battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
>   town..
>   After Joshua came David.
>   He got to be king by killing a giant with a
>   slingshot.
>   He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
>   and 500 porcupines.
>   My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
>   very wise to me.
>   After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
>   prophets.
>   One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
>   whale
>   and then barfed up on the shore.
>   There were also some minor league prophets,
>   but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
>   After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
>   Jesus is the star of The New.
>   He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
>   (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
>   mom is always saying to me,
>   'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'
>   It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I
>   was.')
>   During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
>   sinners like the
>   Pharisees and the Republicans
>   Jesus also had twelve opossums.
>   The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
>   Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
>   vegetable after him.
>   Jesus was a great man.
>   He healed many leopards and even preached to some
>   Germans on the Mount.
>   But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
>   trial before Pontius the Pilot.
>   Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
>   He just washed his hands instead.
>   Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to
>   life again.
>   He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of
>   the Aluminum.
>   His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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