[Milton-L] New Versions

[John Milton]

PARADISE LOST

                          1.
Of Man’s First Disobedience and the Peach
(Don’t say “apple” or Appel---- will screech)
Sing Muse, and justify
(If you can’t do that, just defy),
What hinders then?  Venture and reach!


                         2.
Down in Hell now top devils are rappin':
"Open war!" "Leave it out, mate, I'm nappin'."
"Thrones! Powers! A cunning plan!
Whack that new geezer, 'Man.'"
"Yippee!" "But who'll go?" "Mee."  Much clappin'.


                         3.
Up in Heaven God announces "Man's bought  it.
S'not  my  fault.  I never sought  it.
I simply foresaw.
Well, he's dead now (it's Law)
Lest my Justice . . ." "Pipe down, Dad, I'll sort it." 

                         4.
Meanwhile Satan arrives in the garden,
Sees Eve and at once gets a hard-on.
Admit it.  So do you.
Whatever hypocrites say, you do. 
Nor hath not sometimes (I ween) the blind bard one.

                         5.
Satan whispers "taste this," Eve dreams shockers.
"Hear'st what stir, raised on earth, last night's ruckus?"
That was God.  Fulfilling Justice.
Eve fills cups, decked with just tits,
While Raph ("not nice") concocts hots for those (if ever, THEN THEN) knockers.

                                   6.
Devils march, but old God's second-guessed em.
"Go, Michael! Go, Gabe! Go 'n' arrest 'em!"
The boys struggle all day
But still get blown away,
But don't worry.  God said it to test 'em.


                       7.
"'Ow about it, Son?  You 'n' me.  Let's create.
Nuthin chancey, just . . ." "You said it, Dad.  Fate."
Our epic is no puny verse,
So--'eads up!--one universe.
Satan: "Six days?  Why the big wait?"


                       8.
"What's the scoop?" Adam asks, "on Astronomy?"
"Classified," says Raph, but with bonhomie.
"Bear with me, I'm a Rookie.
Do angels get  Nookie?"
[Blush]  "They flutter their feathers down on . . .  er . . . me."


                        9.
Now the sad bit.  Adam 'n' Eve squabbled,
Eve took off, met the snake, promptly gobbled,
Said to Adam "Hey, chump!
Eat this then we'll hump"
Did the Nasty, nodded off, then "We're nobbled!"


                      10.
"Crooked rib!" Adam bellows, "You spoiled it all!
Fair defect!  Supernumerary!  No Joy At All!"
He lays it on strong
And of course he's dead wrong,
Led astray by his passion postcoital.


                      11.
Mike tells Eve to "Lament not, Eve, nor  resist.
Bend ya knee to  The Big Guy (he's sorely pissed)."
Shows  Adam the future,
"See this mess?  It's due t'ya."
And the moral?  Er. . . . Ask New Historicists.


                      12.
This last one goes slow.  Really sauntering.
Naked glory?  Dream on, pal.  You're laundering.
Adam stands full of doubt,
Till Mike tells him "Get out."
Through Eden they step, slowly wandering.


PARADISE REGAINED

                          1.
I who erewhile (yeah, I'm back, but more low-key)
Now sing how the Fall turned out all okey-dokey.
I've got a new Muse to prompt me
(Since Urania dumped me)
So you hum, lass.  I'll sing    karaoke.


                          2.
Dad tells Junior "Get exercise.  Go Walkabout."
"That's My Boy!" gives em something to talk about.
"We gotta dig up some dirt!"
"Try a nice bit of skirt"
"Belial. . . ." "Or boys, just to . . . bung the cork about."


                         3.
"Come on, Sonshine.  Up this mountain.  'S'not far f'ya.
See that empire?  Real bruisers.  Called 'Parthia.'
So spill the beans--Who You Are, cherie,
And I'll give you their archery,
Primed 'n' ready and all up to par f'ya."

                            4.
"You want classy? Right you are, guv.  Choose Rome.
Or philosophers . . . " "Wankers all.  Know'em."
"You aspire even higher?
Off you go then.  A spire.
Agh!" "For he's a Jolly Good Fell. . ." "Mum, I'm home."


To which is added:

SAMSON AGONISTES

Chor. This, this is 'im.  O fickle state of stubble!
Man.  Don't blame me.  I TOLD ya them wimmin was trouble.
Dal. Play it again, Sam? Har. Rumphh! Steroids.  Potions.
Sam. Bugger off! Off. Off? [Buggers Off, roused by motions]
Sam. Nice temple.  Shame about the [crash] Mess. Rubble. 
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